From the bottom of my heart

This is one of the very rare posts where I feel I can just ramble on and on, typing furiously line after line…. and this could only mean one thing, I am writing these from the very bottom of my heart. (so if I am not making any sense at any point of time, click the little X on your top right pls)

Was feeling crappy over the past two days, down with a schizophrenic fever, flu, stuffed nose, aching joints, migraine, lack of sleep and to top it off, the mother of all pains, the heartache.

Before you start feeling sorry for me ( I hear some “awwwwsss” already), I should mention that it is all behind me now, and I am on the road to recovery (more levels than one). The ‘saiko’ fever is still around though, I’ve been popping pills every other hour to tame it, very frustrating – yes, but am simply thankful it is just a nutty fever-bug on the loose and not some major drama like Dengue! Oh the horror….

So I have pretty much been cooped up at home, mainly drinking lotsa water, trying to eat and not throw up, sleeping – with the TV on at the background, and peeing. Yes, my porcelain throne (a term intro-ed by a funny fren) have never been happier this year.

A line that you never thought you will ever hear from your other half?

“How many times have you gone to the toilet today?”

Out of nowhere Guinea Pig asked me that question. He is tired of me saying yes each time he asked if I have been drinking enough water. Now he is benchmarking the sufficiency of liquid in my body by the number of toilet visits. Yes, how romantic.😛

Speaking about romance, was watching When In Rome (yes… again. RomComs (romance comedy)s are my comfort food for the soul). So was watching it again, for the 3rd time I think, and Adele’s song came on. “To make you feel my love”. I remembered being hooked to it the first time I’ve heard it, I think it was intro-ed by Guinea Pig (intro-ed, not dedicated). I’ve been playing this songs since 2 hours ago. Then it suddenly hit me. The lyrics, the stuff she’s singing about…. Today, for the first time ever, they don’t seem real anymore.

*shudders*

Yes.. shudders… cos.. I’m freaking out. I’m scared. What have I turned into?

I used to love soppy hopeless romantic love songs. Use to sing along as I submerge my soul in every single word, usually with a silly grin plastered on my face.

But today….as I wasn’t even singing along, merely just listening to it again and again, somehow a rude voice screamed in my ear – This is utter bullshit.

To be brutally honest, I used to pity gal friends who do not believe in love anymore, who thinks having a happy ever after only exist in movies, who does not believe in giving it all for love, but today – I myself thought Adele was singing crap, its merely just melodious lies.

Lyrics:-
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Nice soppy lyrics eh… I hear a few snickers?

I have this urge to snicker along myself after a while – the old me, would have smiled and said “aww…. such a sweet song”

Then it occurred to me I have changed so much over this year.

I can’t believe I have tweeted this (something I’ve spotted in a poor bitter broken hearted girl’s blog) as just a few days back.

The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love’. People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin. And the love fractures you. You’re whole, and then you’re cracked open.
— Philip Roth

Have I truly transformed into this bitter and cynical old soul towards the murky subject called love?

I thought since receiving my pixie fairy tattoo, I’ve vowed to let go. To no longer be a creature limited by emotional boundaries. I want to learn to love full heartedly, learn to listen to my feelings. The very design of a pixie fairy sitting on a moon, with wind blowing through her long hair, with her very battered wings opened up, and a broken ribbon on her ankle simply says it all. I want to be giving my 100% from now on, no matter how many pieces my heart has been broken into before. I remembered the tears streaming down my face (due to physical & emotional pain) at Borneo Ink as Owen Wilson does his magic on me, I repeatedly tell myself to not be afraid of love anymore, to find strength to let go, to give it my all in the next relationship, to make peace with myself – it is ok to make mistakes and most importantly to make peace with my past. I guess she did her job fairly well – she gave me enough strength to make the biggest decision of my life, within the next 3 months I took the plunge, and with absolutely no regrets.

But over particularly these past few months, I have been taught so differently. The direct opposite of what I’ve been trying to be since getting inked. I have been figuratively smacked brutally many times by people who truly cares, to wake me up from my bubble, the shun that little girl in me that still believes in fairy tales away. They tried to stop me from believing in happy ever after, from being hung up on just love and love alone. Everyone of them said love alone is not enough. Good and sound advice no doubt, some of their very strong words has turned into a scar, and act as a constant reminder, but deep down, I know this is not truly the person I am, or have dreamt to become. The lil 5 year old me would have scowl knowing that the adult me has turned into someone who can’t even believe in love, who is merely just realistically living relationships after relationships.

Why am I so sure this is not who I want to become? After months of failing miserably from trying to convince myself to not listen to my feelings all the time, hushing them off the very instant I become too drunk with love and emotions – I become so tired inside. I have came to a stage where there are times I am afraid to receive love – in fear that I would be more love drunk, yet there are times I craved for love and frantically demand assurance and affection… there are times I truly believe in love and having met the One… and there are times I become bitter and believes that nothing will last. I was tearing myself apart inside… I finally cracked when trust is broken, and my worst fear came true. Blame it on the fever bug, or from the recent drama-ramas in my life that shattered my every believe, I did what I never thought I would have ever done, I seek help from God.

I am for once afraid of the person I am turning into inside. A cynical, untrusting, insecure battered soul.

I knew I needed His help. I guess it is true, when the bible says – Ask, and you shall receive. (And for those who is already raising an eye-brow, I can only pray someday you will receive the same grace as I’ve did)

I’ve got to give it to God for his impeccable timing.  (for just when I was typing of how cynical I have become, suddenly the verse I’ve read yesterday came to mind)

Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And it couldn’t be more of a perfect timing as well, for a dear friend just emailed and said this to me…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not unto thy own understanding.”

Yes… my 100% love and trust shall from now onwards be towards God and I shall leave it up to him to chart my path. I hold the verses above dearly to my heart. If that is what God says about Love, he must be right. Have churned out enough tears over the past months that made my angels jars beyond full. It’s time for them to collect smiles instead.

Truly can’t wait for this Sunday. Where I will be born again, emerge as a whole new person.

I have rambled on long enough, in an attempt to get everything out of my chest.

The very last sentence of this ‘from-the-bottom-of-my-heart’ post shall be

Trust is built slowly over time, but it can be shattered in an instant. Honor your loved one by acting with integrity at all times.

About MayWong

Am said to be a nerd bimbo trapped in a mind of a 12 yr old boy by the one I love. Blubbly-icious!~!~!!~!~!!
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